This is How I Feel

I normally stay away from sharing how I feel about things on my blog whether it be personal, political, or religious.  I like to keep the atmosphere here light since this blog is about Belli and her personality is nothing but light and fun.  But I have been feeling a little angry and kind of resentful lately about some things and my readers have always been so supportive so I thought I would use this venue to vent.  In the grand scheme of things these issues that I am about to talk about aren't really that heavy but they have been weighing heavy on me lately.

I have been very stressed lately about Belli's eating, or lack there of, and her constipation issues.  I spend the majority of my time with Belli either trying to get her to eat, trying to get her to poop, or cleaning up her throw up when she gags herself because she doesn't want to eat.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that this really is what I do the majority of the day.  It is so frustrating because when she won't eat or poop sometimes once I am done trying I end up not enjoying whatever else I am doing with Belli because I'm mad that she won't eat or poop.

We went to her GI yesterday and she is finally back on the growth chart which is good but the doctor upped her dose of Miralax and referred Belli to an OT for feeding therapy.  I am hopeful that this will help her eating  but I am also realistic.  They use a lot of trickery to get the child to eat but quiet honestly Belli is smarter than that.  I just don't know that it will work.  We will see.  The upped dose of Miralax doesn't seem to be working either.  She has had two teaspoons the past two days and still hasn't pooped.  I just don't get it.

Another thing that has really been bothering me is what Belli's neuro told us last week about how her head might be tilted because of the bones fusing that way and not because of strength.  I just don't understand how it went unnoticed for the five and a half months that she was in the halo.  As a surgeon how do you NOT see that.  This poor baby already has enough problems but now her head is tilted a little and the only way to fix it would be to break her neck and refuse it.  There is still a possibility that it is a muscle problem but I don't feel that it is.  Her PT doesn't think so either.  I'm sorry to sound like I am whining but it's just not fair.

I think what both of these issues really boils down to is that I feel like Belli already has enough issues to deal with that have been caused by the Larsen's so why did God feel the need to add these little extras?  I mean we already have enough to worry about with her walking and her spinal problems and then her future dealing with these problems.  Why do we have to deal with not eating and not pooping too?  Why did God have to let her bones fuse crooked.  I mean that was something that could have been so easily prevented. 

I know that God is not really to blame and that this has all happened for reasons that I may never know.  But I will just be real honest with you about this.  I'm pissed.  I can deal with all the other problems just fine because they go along with the Larsen's Syndrome and I accepted those problems and moved on a long long time ago.  But the little added "bonuses"?  Nope.  I haven't accepted those and moved on.  Especially the problem with her spine.  Not when it could have been avoided.  Not when it SHOULD have been avoided.

But then I just try to remember how easy we really have it.  There are so many more problems that other children are facing that we are not.  So, I will just count my blessings and try to get over it and move on.